The Collected Felicities

The invention of cake and other revelations.

2011-04-20T22:10:00.002+02:00

And the Lord sent unto Ben some clarifications, updates and Revelations.

The Bible states...And God said "Let there be Cake," and there was and it was good: Delia 1:22

And if it where not for evil atheists such as Richard Dawkins, or sardonic fecal obsessed health food advocates such as "Dr"Gillian McKeith, this would still be the known word of the Lord.

REVELATION====THERE ARE EIGHT DAYS IN A WEEK....
on the eighth day GOD MADE CAKE... because on the seventh day he was coming up with the recipe.

St Paul suffered from a Gluten intolerance and thus, amongst other changes, cancelled Cakeday. The true week is; Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Cakeday.

The Bible states "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord." ....... so uhhh well .. Sucks to lose your balls is the basic message! Therefore men shall now pray clutching their testicles as these are obviously the true connection to God..
REVELATION ==== IF YOU ARE A MAN AND DON'T FEEL GOD ...YOUR BALLS ARE FAULTY....Bad luck.

All updates for 'Windows BC' will be discontinued from next month.
REVELATION=== JEWS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS ANYMORE......

The Immaculate connection

2010-12-23T20:05:00.004+01:00

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. And the Broadband in the caravan next to the King Edward Inn was down. Ben, the chosen one (not that Julian Assange fellow, Ben knew all about that stuff well before Wikileaks did), had been relegated to the overflow caravan as there was no room at the inn. He was understandably miffed; as he had been promised Virgin Internet. Ben considered that to be failed by a Virgin during Advent was quite the irony and not very festive at all.

It had been months since God's last internet intervention and Ben's faith was in question, especially after this crisis of connection that was occurring. So Ben made one last call to prayer line; Virgin engineers don't work on Christmas apparently.

"Press 1 for Christmas related problems, 2 for Hanukkah related drama, 3 for issues of Islam and 4 for other"

Ben pressed one.

"Hello and welcome to Christmas prayer line, we're sorry but we are currently closed for the festive period. If your call concerns an urgent matter press 6 and one of our angels will be with you as soon as possible, Thank you and Merry Xmas"

So Ben pressed 6. An Angel then appeared on the desktop where normally that overly helpful strange paper clip bicycle man makes noises and runs around. The Angel said unto Ben "you have been chosen, the light of the world will shine upon you. Don't be afraid for your words shall be spread among all men, you shall blog and bring reason to the world, go forth and spread God's word. You shall be the true King of the News... "

This posed Ben the Internet Prophet with a few tricky questions. The first being; if he was King of the News was he also the king of Nudea, and if so this was a far more exciting Kingdom than that one Herod had.... only fitting for the internet. The second demand was a logistical issue, how on Earth or in Heaven could he continue to divinely blog if he had no internet connection. The Angel had been quite unhelpful so far in this department....

The angel proclaimed "You shall have Internet without wires and it shall be called Wireless or WI-FI for short!” Ben thought that maybe the angel's "invention" was a little banal but he wasn't going to be rejecting free broadband. A great light shot to the areal on the house and shone for miles around. Ben reckoned that it must have been a connection of at least 250 Gb/s.

Three wise men came to door baring gifts of Goldfrapp, Frankenstein Jr and Blur. They sought the light of the world and had been monitoring the forums for years in anticipation. Thus, in return Ben bestowed upon them the honour of the God Wi-Fi security key GOD#1.

Ben received an Email from God:

Dear Prophet

You have been chosen to spread my word in this new format. I'm giving up on printed Bibles because all those environment types and lefties keep complaining about the trees we use to make them. They are my Bloody trees, I made them. I was purely recycling trees for scripture, however they are a persistent lot so I'm turning completely to the web. I'm launching a social network and it shall be called 'FACEBIBLE', and you must make this using what Gabriel calls "WI-FI". The 24th of December will no longer be called Christmas eve but instead Webmas, by decree of Facebible.com. You are the Webmaster. It was you or Zuckerberg as I needed a Jew for this. Frankly after seeing the social network I didn't want Zuckerberg stealing my Ideas, so well done.

Kind Regards

God

p.s. Jesus sends his regards.

Facebible is currently under construction.

To be continued at Easter.....

There's no fridge in paradise!

2010-07-26T20:25:00.003+02:00

And God sent unto Ben a message! The messages format was much a representation of the actual message itself. Throughout history The Lord our father in heaven has always used the more thespian side of his character to convey his will and words to the Abrahamic peoples of the world. Whether it be through the art of burning bushes, the huge fire storms that destroyed Sodom and Gomorra (which then give name to ungodly activities) or the subtle and poetic olive branch in the mouth of a dove; God has never failed to impress! (As a side note however, there is a distinct question that is posed by the newly biblically coined word "Sodomy"; we know, from this verb, what must have been "going down" in Sodom ,however what was happening in Gomorra???? and what would 'Gomorry' be if it were a verb? )

As I was saying, that the Lord has always had a creative side is no secret...Just look at what he did with, well everything!! But... Gods latest incarnation to Ben showed a new tactic. God had already got to grips with the internet and blogosphere and now wanted to communicate in a new medium that he was as yet to try... God said unto Ben, using coloured magnetic letters stuck to the fridge, the following...

"Dear Ben Internet Prophet

I am not emailing for two reasons: A. my hard drive has failed and B. I found these nifty magnetic coloured letters on a site called Amazon.com just before it happened and seeing as heaven is divine and thus things never go off, I have no fridge in paradise! Thus no place to put these fantastic little inventions, so I thought seeing as you are practically as good as Jesus, you could have them.

Now down to Business matters. The pop career did not go as well as I had hoped, it seems I’m not Fifty Cent or Carly Simon, and the Govt have cut funding for Prayer line so I have decided to use a new creative outlet to get the good word across... I am going to become a stand up comedian and I have even made my first joke (well actually Richard Prior wrote it for me as I have kept all the funny ones in heaven with me)... so here it goes...... A man ascends to Heaven; he's shocked at being dead but over the moon to be in heaven. He asks St. Peter where he's going to live now he's in heaven? Peter says “just pick a cloud any cloud," so the man does and finds a nice perfect fluffy one (yes they are all perfect). A few days later Peter returns to the man and asks him how he's feeling but the man doesn’t look very happy, Peter asks " how can this be, your cloud is perfect and you’re in heaven, this is what all the good deeds were for."

The man replies “I know, I know my cloud is perfect but I keep looking next door and it makes my cloud seem like the boring cloud." So peter glances over to the next door cloud and then turns to the man and explains “Oh don’t worry about him, that’s Just Jonah on cloud 9, he's always having a whale of a time."...

Ok so that’s my joke... Gabriel assured me it’s fabulous, but the angels always agree.

Yours sincerely

God"

Ben was humoured but thoroughly unimpressed and thought that maybe God wasn't cut out for Comedy; but he would let God have a go. Seeing as God invented everything, he must have invented this as well! God failed to make large headway in the underground London scene and is currently touring the beach resort circuit looking for his big break.

She's Only gone and won a bloody OBE !!! Not God related...except saving the Queen

2010-06-19T17:01:00.000+02:00

My granny won the OBE the other week, so those of us who didn’t get to go the ceremony at the palace ..i.e. me.. (due to a charitable surrender of any possible place to my cousin, much like when no one ran against Brown for the Labour leadership, ergo my cousin is Gordon Brown) got on the train and travelled up to London to meet the family for a celebratory lunch to be eaten after the medal giving. I arrived at Buckingham palace, to meet family members, with about ten minutes to spare, which by now was swarmed with masses of tourists watching the unfurling excitement of medal laden officers, members and commanders of the empire leaving the palace.

So I sat myself on the barrier to wait for my tribe. I heard these two American women, in this case however due to their touristic blatancy I believe the correct term to use would be “these two yanks”. As I was saying, I heard these two yanks speculating about the nature of what was happening inside.

“Oh it looks like some kind of service”

“Oh my they are sooo nicely dressed”

“It’s so British, I just wanna know what’s going on!!”

This is where I rose to the occasion, I rose my metaphorical golden challis toward the Queen and I drew that sword from the stone.. There I was one Brit, the lone representative of the United kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland and

Northern Ireland

duly ordained with the RESPONSIBILITY, the OBLIGATION, the DUTY… to explain in only several sentences what noble occasion was occurring. London was my mantle, The Mal was my stage, Buckingham palace was my backdrop, the hopes and pride of the people of Britain rested on my shoulders and not only was I going to explain to these two ladies what was happening, not only was I going to tell those “yanks” (who so ungratefully turned their backs on our monarchy, but are now rather ironically obsessed with it and assume we have all met the Queen) exactly how we do things over here, not only was I going to teach those women how to Walk upon England's mountains green, On England's pleasant pastures seen in less than 10 sentences….I was going to do it in the most British way I could think possible….. I was going do to it speaking like a cockney.
And this is what I said.
“Well basically love if you take a butchers… what you got going on ere is only a celebration of bloody British achievement…. Only reason I’m sat ere on me Jack is cause I’m waiting for me Nan who’s gone an won herself an OBE… What we got going to be exact is prize giving, you know the like .. OBE’S, MBE’S, CBE’S, KNIGHTHOODS, that kind of malarkey..”
The women stared at me as one might when met by a pacific native in a grass skirt, they were Robinson Crusoe and I was their Friday. The language barrier in this case had gone deeper than just the vandal like withdrawal of U from words such as Honour or Colour and even Mum.. It was almost as if I was speaking a forgotten tongue which could only be understood by an in depth study of Dick Van Dyke’s performance of the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins. The woman looked at me and I looked at her, I knew I’d confused her and I was happy, in that moment I thought this “ and that was for what you bloody Americans did to spell check”…….and she said …..
“WHATS THAT??”
I replied like any true cockney gentleman would… slowly ,partially in rhyme and shouting…. (I’d made my character and for Harry, England and Saint George I was going to stick with it)
“WELLLLLLL CBE IS COMMANDER OF THE EMPIRE INNIT, KNIGHTHOOD, THAT’S A KNIGHT LOVE, YOU KNOW LIKE ARTHUR AND THAT, RAAAAND TABLE !! Queen hands them out, sometimes Charles does it , some say he’s bent but I don’t adam and eve it ! Sorry loves I got to go, it’s me old man on the dog! “
They still looked puzzled but I had done my job…. As Shakespeare put it "Men of few words are the best men" and I thought my short career as a Hackneyan method actor was soon to be forced to an abrupt end at the exit of my overtly middle class clan of a family, who would unmask me within seconds... I had done my duty, I had risen to the occasion, I had struck linguistic blood and won the battle where the armies of King George had failed upon the battlefields of Yorktown… And now the only remaining enemy drifting in off the Atlantic to combat (discounting the ash cloud from that Icelandic volcano that only the foolish would try to pronounce) was a fantastically British midsummer Downpour!

Reform of the Godly system and Holy elections

2010-05-05T02:32:00.001+02:00

God came to Ben on the television, in a surprise change to the schedule, in place of a Christian democrats party broadcast. Normally Ben would be upset by this obvious denial of democratic rights to a marginal party, however seeing as everyone has accepted that the current British general election is really only a fight between the three main parties, Ben let this one slide. God informed Ben that he had been keenly watching the prime ministerial debates and had become aware of the issue of electoral reform and in general this new thing called "democracy". At first God wasn't best pleased, seeing that he had put a lot of effort in to his divine right of Kings policy but the Lord accepted that modernisation is always good. So God , as he told Ben, decided that some of these democratic principles could be applied to the Heavens... Our Father who art in Heaven decreed that there would be a new review on Godly reform, that he would run by a quango and then a heavenly select committee before deciding on any definite action.
After receiving a fast response from the committee God, Jesus and Allah (however there is some debate if Allah and God are the same and the poor bloke is simply suffering a split personality problem) all had a sit down and decided that the current religious system was far to disproportional. Therefore they would be introducing a new List system, where the overall average favourite God would come out as the Chief God for a limited period of 1000 years. This according to God would stop those pesky Hindu Gods and Buddha from constantly being on his case about their lack of coverage. God is currently writing his Election manifesto but Jesus has decided to split off and run against his father....Allah has the biggest following so far in the prayer polls as his vote is not split, however his campaign has much less money due to economic success in the Christian world.... But if he doesn't win he has threatened to cut off the oil to all opposition voters. Due to the divine and all seeing nature of divine beings a secret ballot has been rendered impossible; all the respective Gods have therefore agreed not to look...
The current God opinion polls as published by YOUGOD:
GOD - 25% (Jewish and Some Christian vote)
Jesus- 23% ("holy" the Christian vote, with 0.4% percentage of Muslim)
Allah- 32% (Muslim)
Hindu unity God govt- 15%
Buddah- 3%
Other- 2%

VOTE BY PRAYERLINE

And God responded to an FAQ

2010-03-29T15:58:00.004+02:00

God spoke to Ben in yet another dream. He first started with a small complaint because frankly St.Peter was really pissing him off; God had clearly labelled the Sandwich in the Heaven fridge as his but Peter, as God put it, "Seems to think the feeding of the five thousand just happened by itself !"

So after Gods grumbling he explained to Ben that to clear a few things up, he would be answering an FAQ, that had been sent to him in prayer form.

Q: How do you explain Evolution?

A: No comment.

Q: How do you explain science?

A: I put it there.

Q:Why do religious leaders often abuse children?

A:Test of faith.

Q:Could Jesus fly and if so, why did he never fly in the bible?

A: Jesus can fly, we didn't include it because we thought people might not believe that bit.

(It will be included in the Graphic novel style testament)

Q: Do Christians, Muslims and Jews have separate Heavens/ paradises to prevent them fighting?

A: No, because only one of them gets in... but you have to wait till you die to find out who!

Q:Train A, travelling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?

A: Thou shall not test the Lord!

And God said "Eat me like the Scottish do"

2010-03-20T12:48:00.001+01:00

And God came to Ben in a Nightmare, which provided a brief respite from the irrational fear of zombies that had previously engulfed Ben in his sleep. The lord said unto the internet prophet that religious cannibalism (holy communion) needed updating. Ben briefly wondered why its ok to eat a piece of God (in wafer form), but eating a person is not ok?..... Seeing that God is supposed to be the most important person/ divine being ever; but he decided to not pose the question because, in general, one isn't supposed to question the Lord's ways. So Ben decided to go with the flow and listen to big man from the sky. God explained that he'd been thinking the whole communion thing over a bit and had decided that it needed modernisation as to provide for all religious tastes. "The Big Man" had been going over a few recipes and had spoken with a few dead chefs, (who are now in heaven) Keith Floyd and Betty crocker, and had decreed that the future lay in Shortbread.

The angel Gabriel brought down to Ben the 11th Commandment:
"Thou shall pray to God by eating him in small bits every Sunday, in the form of a tasty Scottish treat"
God did not go so far as to endorse any particular make of shortbread because he is a believer in free market economics and thus he didn't want to give any single company an unfair financial advantage.... Besides the Jews were already the chosen people and had done very well economically. So God encouraged Meritocracy and the right wing of the world was happy. God explained its more important to keep them happy because they are the ones that tend to believe. God was quick to point out however, that Jesus was quite the socialist and it wasn't his bad if the socialist left refused to accept Jesus just cause he was an "opiate of the masses".

God instructed Ben to go to the Vatican and cry aloft the new Decree from the Heavens...
Ben travelled to Rome and The Vatican, but unfortunately all the important priests were occupied with the Boys choir practice; added to this the pope was away on business trying to raise taxes on condoms. So Ben left a "post it note" on the door of St. Peters basilica, reading thus -
" Dear Pope or to who ever it may concern
I had a chat with God last week and he said you should stop using Wafers to eat him and start using Scottish Shortbread cause it's a lot nicer and you will make more Christians that way. A personal suggestion of mine would also be strawberry wine instead of the normal stuff because I reckon the flavours would complement quite well. I tried talking to someone but you were all busy teaching Choir boys how to sing higher.
Much love Ben
p.s. God would like you to sing louder in services because he can't hear very well from heaven, but he says keep up the good work!!! "

Ben has since returned home from his short excursion to The Vatican, but once again they are yet to reply. If they don't reply within the next week Ben will leave a voice mail; hoping that they aren't stingy types who dint check their respective voice mails because they have a bad mobile contract that makes them pay a bit every time.

And God said "I want to be top of the pops"

2010-03-16T15:38:00.003+01:00

And God spoke to Ben after a small vacation; or at least Ben assumed it was, because God hadn't spoken to him in nearly a week and naturally he was feeling a tad rejected. God said unto Ben that he was sick and tired of being outshone by contemporary popular culture and wanted to try and get in on the act. God had recently been listening to Pink and had decided that she had some interesting ideas on his possible entry in to the celebrity world. God didn't want t be the B lister who used to be the coolest guy around; he told Ben that last week Gabriel (peter from Genesis, not the angel; even if they both appear in Genesis) had called him the new William Shatner. The lord our father continued that this was just not on and he would do like Pink said and become a DJ.

However God was unsure of the genre he would use, as choral music has never proved very popular on the dance floor! Ben asked God if maybe he was feeling a little jealous of nothing and should just wait out this period of self insecurity, seeing as his career was much longer and more successful than most; also, Ben added, that The Lord doesn't need to buy a swanky mansion in Hollywood because, in effect, he owns the universe. And god responded with a stone tablet, which was rather retro considering his new found dedication to modern culture. The stone tablet read - "Thou shall not be bigger than Jesus." And then it became clear to Ben, the internet profit, that this whole thing was because of the fame of the Beatles and what John Lennon said. Ben called prayer line to try to get hold of God, but could only get to the answer phone, where he explained that no one could be bigger than the Beatles. However God was obviously upset as Jesus had become more famous and then in turn the Beatles where more famous than Jesus, meaning that God wasn't very famous at all any more.

Ben wondered briefly why God had not taken issue with this 45 years ago, but God soon explained that there is a time delay between Heaven and earth, a bit like how

America

is a few hours behind

England

. God continued that this is why there was pain and suffering in the world, because every time something happened it took 45 years to hear about it. God didn't hear about the death of Jesus till he ascended in to the Heavens to tell God in person. Thus our Father who art in heaven is now exploring the option of a website and FAQ section as well as the newly added Prayer line to help solve problems more quickly and efficiently.

God is currently working on his new album "O come and dance all ye faithful"

And God said unto Ben " Let there be controlled religious warfare"

2010-03-06T12:15:00.002+01:00

And God came to Ben during the commercial break of the closing Ceremony of the Winter Olympics. God told Ben that over the years a habit of going to war over him had built up and really he wasn’t very keen on it at all. Instead of talking out, God continued, the problems about what he really stood for etc.. it had always been settled on the battle field and God wanted a change.

After watching the success of the Olympic movement God decided that he too could use the idea of “games” to settle religious disputes. It was the best he could do after changing his mind soo many times that now all the Abrahamic religions were splintered in to thousands of smaller groups, God admitted he had been fickle at times. So God proposed the Religious Olympics, seeing as there was already a Special Olympics, Paralympics, Summer Olympics and Winter Olumpics, he saw no problem in adding another title to the games.

God sent a message to Ben during the commericial break, dictating that the Games would be held every four years in the summer, in the heartlands of the major Religions. Eastern religions would be a allowed to participate, to avoid appearing racist, however tickets would be priced in the currency of good deeds under the eyes of God; thus they would have very little if any crowd support….meaning they would loose. God decreed that the team with the most Gold Medals would win the Olympics and would win the “Moral high ground” until the next Olympics in four years. This should Stop Religious tension around world.

The Lord our Father sent down to Ben (the internet prophet) a list of events for to be competed during the games:

Event1- Crusading = To accommodate the skills of the Christian contingent. This event will be held together with event 2 and 3.

Event2- Jihad= To accommodate the Skills of the Islamic contingent. This event will be held together with event 1 and 3.

Event3- Zionism= To accommodate the skills of the Jewish contingent. This event will be held together with events 1 and 2. Together they will be know as event 123.

Event 123 – rules ad regulations.

A field with a mock up of Jerusalem at the centre will be contested by Warring factions. The Event starts with the Jews in the middle of the field (to make their presence known). The Hebrews are then told to leave the event for several hours and wonder aimlessly until they are recalled towards the end of the event, once one of the factions (normally the Christians) has given up, Then they take over the field and also the stadium and maybe if they feel like it another stadium as well.

Event 4 – The timed pilgrimage= all Athletes must run to a shared holy site and back again in the shortest time possible. The winner is the Religion with the most athletes back in time for the Sabbath. Thus Muslims and Jews depart on a Sunday where as the Christians depart on Monday (because they decided Sunday was a nicer day to hold the Sabbath).

Event 5 – preventing the children from becoming Atheists = All athletes in this event must spend the duration of the games raising children according to their respective Holy Texts…. The religion at the end with the least Atheists wins.

The closing ceremony will be held as a prayer service for the winning religion who has won the “MORAL HIGH GROUND”.

And God issued a retraction

2010-03-02T16:43:00.004+01:00

And God said unto Ben, go forth in to your garden and await my instructions. The bushes were burning and god gave Ben a message, “It has come to my attention that I have made a few errors in the Bible, however I will only try to solve one at a time.” Ben pondered this statement for a minute and then thought, looking at the evidence at hand (pain, suffering, wars, poverty, inequality and the fact the garden was on fire and god was speaking), God at least this time was probably right.

Ben thought on the subject for a little while, as God had to answer a phone call briefly; and he hoped that it wasn’t anything too major because the Church were already kind of upset about the blog. God returned from his ill timed and slightly impolite telephone call break and told the internet prophet that there was another thing he had to say sorry for. God issued an official statement to Ben which went like this,

Dear Ben

There are two issues that have come to my attention, one in the Bible and one in recent public life. Number one I decided to punish the atheists by scaring them…. However I killed a few for which I am sorry, I will never play around with the accelerator function of Toyota cars ever again. I have ruined the good reputation of Japanese car makers, but they should pray to me and not Mr Shinto.

Issue number two, this is the Biggy. I may have, kind of, a little bit, maybe, actually did write that men can’t share a bed, or be gay, or love each other or anything like that. Well basically I think I was a bit angry and in a phase… One of my Angels recently pointed out to me that seeing as all men/women (please don’t question this, you wouldn’t understand the response) are made in my image, then the gay ones are as well. So this must mean that there is a little part of me that is gay, for which I accredit my creations of fashion, George Michael and The Spice Girls. The angel also pointed out that although I may have a son, I have never married, so it all looks rather bad!! I told him to “talk to the hand cause the face aint listening”!

However if you could rephrase this in to biblical language and only put in the bits that will make people respect me … like Luke did, that would be great!!

Cheers

God

Ben now knew how Alistair Campbell felt when he was chief spin Dr! However Ben was unsure of how to break the news to the world that God was actually camp and that Simon Fuller was a liar and had nothing to do with The Spice Girls.

Ben went on a pilgrimage and spoke with Peter Mandleson who said God should just come out, because then he would still get (as peter put it) “Bare respect from da church, cause he made it and dat blud.”

So with the reassuring words of Mandy, Ben sent a nice letter to the Pope. Like many other letters he has sent to the pope, he is still awaiting a reply. Ben isn’t worried for the reason that it’s probably very hard to send a letter from the Vatican; because they have to use the Italian postal service. If Ratzinger is reading this blog/ 3^rd testament by email, could he please get in contact … as the words of god are really his responsibility and not Ben’s.

And God gave unto the world his Grandson.. Callum

2010-02-27T15:54:00.000+01:00

And God Sent Ben a second email, which accidentally finished up in the junk filter of Hotmail; because Microsoft are dirty terrible immoral atheists. After deciding that perhaps the whole affair had been a prank, Ben found the email several weeks later in the junk box, during a routine missed email check.

The Email read as follows:
Dear Ben
I know its been a little while since I last wrote to you, for which I am sorry, let us consider it a test of faith as such (count yourself lucky I didn't pull the prank I did on Abraham lol).
(Ben was impressed by Gods use of LOL and was reassured that God really was down with the kids)
As we both know 2000, more or less, years ago I sent you my son on an exchange trip that went terribly wrong. I hosted the brother of Mary for some 33 years while Jesus went to live with Mary and Joseph, he was only supposed to spread the word "of me" a little bit, his main task was just to learn a bit of humility. Well I digress, dearest Ben what I wanted to tell you was that my Grandson Callum has come to earth, unfortunately we did not choose the host family very well and Callum now sells drugs to children on an estate in Leeds. To save face we (Jesus and I) tell the other Angels that he is a successful chemist in a deprived area of northern England, however this cannot go on forever. I told Jesus if he got with that prostitute Magdelene there would only be problems! So I am kindly asking / commanding (its all a fine line) is that you go to Leeds, find Callum, and tell him that his family really are not very pleased at all; and if he doesn't stop he'll go the same way as his dad..which bloody hurts, and no he wont be resurrected.
The address can be found in the 4th line Genesis if you take every 3rd letter of every word.
p.s. Can you also tell him that he wont be allowed to have a book about him either and that publication of the newest testament will be indefinitely suspended.
Yours Faithfully
God
At first Ben wondered why God had used "Yours faithfully" and thought that surely the logic was slightly reverse, however he carried on thinking about the task at hand. And Ben though that maybe it was a good idea not to publish "The Newest Testament" for the good of the faith. Yes, he accepted that it would obviously win a booker prize for being very gritty and modern, and the world of literature could do with a third instalment - Just look at the success of Harry potter or Twilight- however Ben was sure it would not go down well with the church, and Callum was not a very epic name at all. So tentatively Ben Wrote a reply.

Dear God
I think it would be a very good idea if you brought Callum home, Leeds is a bit rough to be honest. I don't really think the people of the world are quite ready for a third edition to the Bible series. Think of the implications for the name of the "New Testament" it would have to become "The Middle testament" or " The Less New Testament ." Also seeing that Callum hasn't really done many miracles it would be a little tough to sell the idea, unless you did it a bit like "Train-spotting" but I really don't think that would do very well for the reputation of the Holy Trinity.
Yours Faithfully
Ben

Ben thought this was the correct use of "yours faithfully" and far less ironic than when God had used it. God has yet to reply, Ben has checked his junk filter 12 times and is thus secure in the fact that he has not missed any email from God. However according to the latest Lancashire constabulary statistics, crack consumption in Leeds is down by a figure of 33% percent, alluding to the fact that maybe God... or Jesus took Ben's advice but didn't want to admit he made a mistake. Although God never makes mistakes so it was much more of a "learning experience" instead.

Confessions to Bombay

2010-02-25T16:00:00.000+01:00

And God Came to Ben in a dream, and he told Ben that there were dark clouds on the horizon. God admitted that due to poor accounting,of which he blamed on St Paul (who has long suffered eye sight problems and probably made a mistake on excel), he now had less money to pay for Theistic affairs. Thus as to save both time and money, neither God nor the Angels would be answering any more prayers for the foreseeable future, and the Lord would not be taking a salary this Tax year, or a Bonus to boot. God summoned his Jewish accountant "Heim Goldberg" to draw up a business plan.

1). Heim suggested that the admission price to heaven was raised from the currency of " good deeds" to also include a life tax, a bit like a TV license but for living instead. It would be popularly known as "P.O.L TAX" (price of living). And God said " Let there be Pol tax," and there was, and it was good. God had succeeded where Thatcher had failed.

2). Heim then Suggested that maybe, much like had been done with the trains to "great success" in Britain, that some privatisations should take place. The idea was put forward that instead of Angels keeping heaven in order and receiving a salary, Slave Labour would be used. All the bad non believers who had gone to hell would be forced to spend an eternity doing the admin, sweeping and tea making in Paradise. Which is not so bad when you consider the alternative is burning for eternity. And God said "let there be privatisation reform," and there was, and it was good.

3). Heim's third and final suggestion was, in line with privatisation reforms, All prayers would now be answered at a cheaper cost by a call centre in Bombay (Mumbai), where a contract would be given to the lowest bidder. However the workers would be instructed to pretend that they were in fact in heaven, and that the accent was merely the regional accent of the afterlife. Continuing these reforms, instead of confession boxes in churches, there would now be a telephone box in which the parishioners would be able to call the confession section of "Prayer line" as it is to be known. And god said "Let there be Prayer line, and make it an 0900 number" and there was, and the hold time was reasonable.

God said to Ben that this is a stead fast plan, and he should not doubt it, like Thomas obviously would.... So Ben did not doubt it and instead wrote a letter to all the heads of churches in the land explaining the new rules and regulations. However he omitted that the plan was that of a Hebrew because he knew there were still a lot of Christians angry about the whole Jesus episode. He even wrote a letter to the Chief Rabbi, because the prayers go to the same God, explaining the changes, with a post scriptum asking him to tell Israel to be nicer to Palestine. However all Jewish prayers will have to wait an extra 5 mins on hold because they do not incorporate Jesus. Muslim prayers do not have to wait any hold time whatsoever because God doesn't want any trouble. And with that the reforms, officially titled Faithical Stimulus were made, on a Thursday in the year 5770, according to the old testament.

If you are interested in making a prayer or a confession don't hesitate to call

PRAYER LINE on 0900 463 463

n.b. All calls will be monitored and recorded for training purposes

The creation story

2010-02-24T11:52:00.002+01:00

So it begins, on the first day God said let there be light and there was light and it was good. Then, according to the old testament calender, 5770 years later on a Wednesday God said let there be Blog (all other previous blogs where an idea he'd already come up with, but the devil nicked it and created a huge network of evil evil evil blogs not worthy of the Lord), and there was Blog and it was good. God decided that seeing as the Devil had already set up an efficient Blog info-structure, he would let it stand and attempt to cleanse and improve it using his new prophet of the internet Ben Knowell. A bit like the way he sent Mohammed the Koran, but the new prophet was sent solely an email which was always marked as unread.

(disclaimer-- Mohammed p.b.u.h. is way better than Ben Knowell who has never met an angel or anything and would really appreciate the hate against the Danish to continue and not to be redirected towards him .ps. Mohammed is loads better than Jesus and all the others unless you are a Christian reader, in that case Jesus kicks heretic butt.)

As the Story continues, God came to Ben in an Email and instructed him to cleanse the Blog world with a flood of words, much like the water that he sent Noah but with less death. However just in case he had misinterpreted Ben drew an arc on paint, and some animals too.

At first Ben Knowell thought the email to be spam, and he did not respond, but the email returned. Ben even did a virus check as to ascertain if there was spyware (created by the Devil) on his computer, but there was not. The email returned every day until Ben emailed back and got a reply from St. Peter, which read..

God is a very busy God, but He thanks you for your interest, here are a series of links that may solve your problem.

link 1- Am I going to hell?

link 2- Why do you rarely answer me in prayer?

link 3- why is there pain and suffering in the world?

link 4- Iv received an email from God telling me to start a Blog, is it spam or official ?

And so Ben clicked on link number 4 and a box of letters which were nearly impossible to read appeared, at first he thought it was Hebrew, but soon realised he had to write them out in a blank box below to make sure he was not an internet (devil created) spam machine...the word/phrase was "Tandem Bikes".

The site said that indeed it was an official mail and that Ben should write a Blog telling the story of how the Blog world would be cleansed with his words. Ben Knowell was told that every time a thought came to his head it was that of the Lord, who is retaking the internet from the Devil, and he should write it down in Blog form. However Ben is yet to receive official guidance and therefore has only had time to write the story for the masses.

There is no need for a religion to be made as he is not the son of God as Jesus did not want any brothers or sister.... which would mean less presents at Christmas which unfortunately is also his birthday so he is hard done by anyway.

Please stay tuned for the words of cleansment (god has allowed the creation of this word), and the first Public act of the Lord our Father in the 24 hour/ internet age. However unfortunately neither E4 or ITV2 showed an interest, and as God does not want the bible to go in the same direction as Richard and Judy's careers, he has decided to reject the offer from UKTV.

AMEN