The invention of cake and other revelations.

And the Lord sent unto Ben some clarifications, updates and Revelations.


The Bible states...And God said "Let there be Cake," and there was and it was good: Delia 1:22


And if it where not for evil atheists such as Richard Dawkins, or sardonic fecal obsessed health food advocates such as "Dr"Gillian McKeith, this would still be the known word of the Lord.


REVELATION====THERE ARE EIGHT DAYS IN A WEEK....
on the eighth day GOD MADE CAKE... because on the seventh day he was coming up with the recipe.


St Paul suffered from a Gluten intolerance and thus, amongst other changes, cancelled Cakeday. The true week is; Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Cakeday.


The Bible states "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord." ....... so uhhh well .. Sucks to lose your balls is the basic message! Therefore men shall now pray clutching their testicles as these are obviously the true connection to God.. 
REVELATION ==== IF YOU ARE A MAN AND DON'T FEEL GOD ...YOUR BALLS ARE FAULTY....Bad luck. 


All updates for 'Windows BC' will be discontinued from next month.
REVELATION=== JEWS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS ANYMORE......

The Immaculate connection

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. And the Broadband in the caravan next to the King Edward Inn was down.  Ben, the chosen one (not that Julian Assange fellow, Ben knew all about that stuff well before Wikileaks did), had been relegated to the overflow caravan as there was no room at the inn. He was understandably miffed; as he had been promised Virgin Internet. Ben considered that to be failed by a Virgin during Advent was quite the irony and not very festive at all. 

It had been months since God's last internet intervention and Ben's faith was in question, especially after this crisis of connection that was occurring. So Ben made one last call to prayer line; Virgin engineers don't work on Christmas apparently.  

"Press 1 for Christmas related problems, 2 for Hanukkah related drama, 3 for issues of Islam and 4 for other"

Ben pressed one.

"Hello and welcome to Christmas prayer line, we're sorry but we are currently closed for the festive period. If your call concerns an urgent matter press 6 and one of our angels will be with you as soon as possible, Thank you and Merry Xmas"  

So Ben pressed 6. An Angel then appeared on the desktop where normally that overly helpful strange paper clip bicycle man makes noises and runs around. The Angel said unto Ben "you have been chosen, the light of the world will shine upon you. Don't be afraid for your words shall be spread among all men, you shall blog and bring reason to the world, go forth and spread God's word.  You shall be the true King of the News... " 

This posed Ben the Internet Prophet with a few tricky questions. The first being; if he was King of the News was he also the king of Nudea, and if so this was a far more exciting Kingdom than that one Herod had.... only fitting for the internet.  The second demand was a logistical issue, how on Earth or in Heaven could he continue to divinely blog if he had no internet connection. The Angel had been quite unhelpful so far in this department.... 

The angel proclaimed "You shall have Internet without wires and it shall be called Wireless or WI-FI for short!” Ben thought that maybe the angel's "invention" was a little banal but he wasn't going to be rejecting free broadband.  A great light shot to the areal on the house and shone for miles around. Ben reckoned that it must have been a connection of at least 250 Gb/s. 

Three wise men came to door baring gifts of Goldfrapp, Frankenstein Jr and Blur. They sought the light of the world and had been monitoring the forums for years in anticipation. Thus, in return Ben bestowed upon them the honour of the God Wi-Fi security key GOD#1. 

Ben received an Email from God:

Dear Prophet 

You have been chosen to spread my word in this new format. I'm giving up on printed Bibles because all those environment types and lefties keep complaining about the trees we use to make them. They are my Bloody trees, I made them. I was purely recycling trees for scripture, however they are a persistent lot so I'm turning completely to the web. I'm launching a social network and it shall be called 'FACEBIBLE', and you must make this using what Gabriel calls "WI-FI". The 24th of December will no longer be called Christmas eve but instead Webmas, by decree of Facebible.com. You are the Webmaster. It was you or Zuckerberg as I needed a Jew for this. Frankly after seeing the social network I didn't want Zuckerberg stealing my Ideas, so well done. 

Kind Regards 

God

p.s. Jesus sends his regards. 

Facebible is currently under construction.

To be continued at Easter..... 

There's no fridge in paradise!

And God sent unto Ben a message! The messages format was much a representation of the actual message itself. Throughout history The Lord our father in heaven has always used the more thespian side of his character to convey his will and words to the Abrahamic peoples of the world. Whether it be through the art of burning bushes, the huge fire storms that destroyed Sodom and Gomorra (which then give name to ungodly activities) or the subtle and poetic olive branch in the mouth of a dove; God has never failed to impress! (As a side note however, there is a distinct question that is posed by the newly biblically coined word "Sodomy"; we know, from this verb, what must have been "going down"  in Sodom ,however what was happening in Gomorra???? and what would 'Gomorry' be if it were a verb? )

As I was saying, that the Lord has always had a creative side is no secret...Just look at what he did with, well everything!! But... Gods latest incarnation to Ben showed a new tactic. God had already got to grips with the internet and blogosphere and now wanted to communicate in a new medium that he was as yet to try... God said unto Ben, using coloured magnetic letters stuck to the fridge, the following...

"Dear Ben Internet Prophet

                                  I am not emailing for two reasons: A. my hard drive has failed and B. I found these nifty magnetic coloured letters on a site called Amazon.com just before it happened and seeing as heaven is divine and thus things never go off, I have no fridge in paradise! Thus no place to put these fantastic little inventions, so I thought seeing as you are practically as good as Jesus, you could have them. 

     Now down to Business matters. The pop career did not go as well as I had hoped, it seems I’m not Fifty Cent or Carly Simon, and the Govt have cut funding for Prayer line so I have decided to use a new creative outlet to get the good word across... I am going to become a stand up comedian and I have even made my first joke (well actually Richard Prior wrote it for me as I have kept all the funny ones in heaven with me)... so here it goes......  A man ascends to Heaven; he's shocked at being dead but over the moon to be in heaven. He asks St. Peter where he's going to live now he's in heaven? Peter says “just pick a cloud any cloud," so the man does and finds a nice perfect fluffy one (yes they are all perfect).  A few days later Peter returns to the man and asks him how he's feeling but the man doesn’t look very happy, Peter asks " how can this be, your cloud is perfect and you’re in heaven, this is what all the good deeds were for."

The man replies “I know, I know my cloud is perfect but I keep looking next door and it makes my cloud seem like the boring cloud." So peter glances over to the next door cloud and then turns to the man and explains “Oh don’t worry about him, that’s Just Jonah on cloud 9, he's always having a whale of a time."...

Ok so that’s my joke... Gabriel assured me it’s fabulous, but the angels always agree.

Yours sincerely 

God" 

Ben was humoured but thoroughly unimpressed and thought that maybe God wasn't cut out for Comedy; but he would let God have a go. Seeing as God invented everything, he must have invented this as well! God failed to make large headway in the underground London scene and is currently touring  the beach resort circuit looking for his big break.

    

She's Only gone and won a bloody OBE !!! Not God related...except saving the Queen

My granny won the OBE  the other week, so those of us who didn’t get to go the ceremony at the palace ..i.e. me.. (due to a charitable surrender of  any possible place to my cousin, much like when no one ran against Brown for the Labour leadership, ergo my cousin is Gordon Brown) got on the train and travelled up to London to meet the family for a celebratory lunch to be eaten after the medal giving.  I arrived at Buckingham palace, to meet family members, with about ten minutes to spare, which by now was swarmed with masses of tourists watching the unfurling excitement of medal laden officers, members and commanders of the empire leaving the palace.

            So I sat myself on the barrier to wait for my tribe. I heard these two American women, in this case however due to their touristic blatancy I believe the correct term to use would be “these two yanks”. As I was saying, I heard these two yanks speculating about the nature of what was happening inside.

“Oh it looks like some kind of service”

“Oh my they are sooo nicely dressed”

“It’s so British, I just wanna know what’s going on!!”

This is where I rose to the occasion, I rose my metaphorical golden challis toward the Queen and I drew that sword from the stone.. There I was one Brit, the lone representative of the United kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland duly ordained with the RESPONSIBILITY, the OBLIGATION, the DUTY… to explain in only several sentences what noble occasion was occurring. London was my mantle, The Mal was my stage, Buckingham palace was my backdrop,  the hopes and pride of  the people of Britain rested on my shoulders and not only was I going to explain to these two ladies what was happening, not only was I going to tell those “yanks” (who so ungratefully turned their backs on our monarchy, but are now rather ironically obsessed with it and assume we have all met the Queen) exactly how we do things over here, not only was I going to teach those women how to Walk upon England's mountains green, On England's pleasant pastures seen in less than 10 sentences….I was going to do it in the most British way I could think possible….. I was going do to it speaking like a cockney.
And this is what I said.
“Well basically love if you take a butchers… what you got going on ere is only a celebration of bloody British achievement…. Only reason I’m sat ere on me Jack is cause I’m waiting for me Nan who’s gone an won herself an OBE… What we got going to be exact is prize giving, you know the like .. OBE’S, MBE’S, CBE’S, KNIGHTHOODS, that kind of malarkey..”
The women stared at me as one might when met by a pacific native in a grass skirt, they were Robinson Crusoe and I was their Friday. The language barrier in this case had gone deeper than just the vandal like withdrawal of U from words such as Honour or Colour and even Mum.. It was almost as if I was speaking a forgotten tongue which could only be understood by an in depth study of Dick Van Dyke’s performance of the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins. The woman looked at me and I looked at her, I knew I’d confused her and I was happy, in that moment I thought this “ and that was for what you bloody Americans did to spell check”…….and she said …..
“WHATS THAT??”
I replied like any true cockney gentleman would… slowly ,partially in rhyme and shouting…. (I’d made my character and for Harry, England and Saint George I was going to stick with it)
“WELLLLLLL CBE IS COMMANDER OF THE EMPIRE INNIT, KNIGHTHOOD, THAT’S A KNIGHT LOVE, YOU KNOW LIKE ARTHUR AND THAT, RAAAAND TABLE !! Queen hands them out, sometimes Charles does it , some say he’s bent but I don’t adam and eve it ! Sorry loves I got to go, it’s me old man on the dog! “
They still looked puzzled but I had done my job…. As Shakespeare put it "Men of few words are the best men" and I thought my short career as a Hackneyan method actor was soon to be forced to an abrupt end at the exit of my overtly middle class clan of a family, who would unmask me within seconds...  I had done my duty, I had risen to the occasion, I had struck linguistic blood and won the battle where the armies of King George had failed upon the battlefields of Yorktown… And now the only remaining enemy drifting in off the Atlantic to combat (discounting the ash cloud from that Icelandic volcano that only the foolish would try to pronounce) was a fantastically British midsummer Downpour! 

Reform of the Godly system and Holy elections

 God came to Ben on the television, in a surprise change to the schedule, in place of a Christian democrats party broadcast. Normally Ben would be upset by this obvious denial of democratic rights to a marginal party, however seeing as everyone has accepted that the current British general election is really only a fight between the three main parties, Ben let this one slide. God informed Ben that he had been keenly watching the prime ministerial debates and had become aware of the issue of electoral reform and in general this new thing called "democracy". At first God wasn't best pleased, seeing that he had put a lot of effort in to his divine right of Kings policy but the Lord accepted that modernisation is always good. So God , as he told Ben, decided that some of these democratic principles could be applied to the Heavens... Our Father who art in Heaven decreed that there would be a new review on Godly reform, that he would run by a quango and then a heavenly select committee before deciding on any definite action.
After receiving a fast response from the committee God, Jesus and Allah (however there is some debate if Allah and God are the same and the poor bloke is simply suffering a split personality problem) all had a sit down and decided that the current religious system was far to disproportional. Therefore they would be introducing a new List system, where the overall average favourite God would come out as the Chief God for a limited period of 1000 years. This according to God would stop those pesky Hindu Gods and Buddha from  constantly being on his case about their lack of coverage. God is currently writing his Election manifesto but Jesus has decided to split off and run against his father....Allah has the biggest following so far in the prayer polls as his vote is not split, however his campaign has much less money due to economic success in the Christian world.... But if he doesn't win he has threatened to cut off the oil to all opposition voters. Due to the divine and all seeing nature of divine beings a secret ballot has been rendered impossible; all the respective Gods have therefore agreed not to look...
The current God opinion polls as published by YOUGOD:
GOD -  25% (Jewish and Some Christian vote)
Jesus- 23% ("holy"  the Christian vote, with 0.4% percentage of Muslim)
Allah- 32% (Muslim)
Hindu unity God govt- 15%
Buddah- 3%
Other- 2%

VOTE BY PRAYERLINE

And God responded to an FAQ

God spoke to Ben in yet another dream. He first started with a small complaint because frankly St.Peter was really pissing him off; God had clearly labelled the Sandwich in the Heaven fridge as his but Peter, as God put it, "Seems to think the feeding of the five thousand just happened by itself !"

So after Gods grumbling he explained to Ben that to clear a few things up, he would be answering an FAQ, that had been sent to him in prayer form.

Q: How do you explain Evolution?

A: No comment.

Q: How do you explain science?

A: I put it there.

Q:Why do religious leaders often abuse children?

A:Test of faith.

Q:Could Jesus fly and if so, why did he never fly in the bible?

A: Jesus can fly, we didn't include it because we thought people might not believe that bit.

(It will be included in the Graphic novel style testament)

Q: Do Christians, Muslims and Jews have separate Heavens/ paradises  to prevent them fighting?

A: No, because only one of them gets in... but you have to wait till you die to find out who!

Q:Train A, travelling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?

A: Thou shall not test the Lord!

And God said "Eat me like the Scottish do"

And God came to Ben in a Nightmare, which provided a brief respite from the irrational fear of zombies that had previously engulfed Ben in his sleep. The lord said unto the internet prophet that religious cannibalism (holy communion) needed updating. Ben briefly wondered why its ok to eat a piece of God (in wafer form), but eating a person is not ok?..... Seeing that God is supposed to be the most important person/ divine being ever; but he decided to not pose the question because, in general, one isn't supposed to question the Lord's ways. So Ben decided to go with the flow and listen to big man  from the sky. God explained that he'd been thinking the whole communion thing over a bit and had decided that it needed modernisation as to provide for all religious tastes. "The Big Man"  had been going over a few recipes and had spoken with a few dead chefs, (who are now in heaven) Keith Floyd and Betty crocker, and had decreed that the future lay in Shortbread.

The angel Gabriel brought down to Ben the 11th Commandment:
"Thou shall pray to God by eating him in small bits every Sunday, in the form of a tasty Scottish treat"
God did not go so far as to endorse any particular make of shortbread because he is a believer in free market economics and thus he didn't want to give any single company an unfair financial advantage.... Besides the Jews were already the chosen people and had done very well economically. So God encouraged Meritocracy and the right wing of the world was happy. God explained its more important to keep them happy because they are the ones that tend to believe. God was quick to point out however, that Jesus was quite the socialist and it wasn't his bad if the socialist left refused to accept Jesus just cause he was an "opiate of the masses".

God instructed Ben to go to the Vatican and cry aloft the new Decree from the Heavens...
Ben travelled to Rome and The Vatican, but unfortunately all the important priests were occupied with the Boys choir practice; added to this the pope was away on business trying to raise taxes on condoms. So Ben left a "post it note" on the door of St. Peters basilica, reading thus -
" Dear Pope or to who ever it may concern
I had a chat with God last week and he said you should stop using Wafers to eat him and start using Scottish Shortbread cause it's a lot nicer and you will make more Christians that way. A personal suggestion of mine would also be strawberry wine instead of the normal stuff because I reckon the flavours would complement quite well. I tried talking to someone but you were all busy teaching Choir boys how to sing higher.
Much love Ben
p.s. God would like you to sing louder in services because he can't hear very well from heaven, but he says keep up the good work!!! "

Ben has since returned home from his short excursion to The Vatican, but once again they are yet to reply. If they don't reply within the next week Ben will leave a voice mail; hoping that they aren't stingy types who dint check their respective voice mails because they have a bad mobile contract that makes them pay a bit every time.